My Blog

2006-04-21T21:08:00.000+08:00

MOVED.

Choose A Door.

2006-04-20T19:00:00.000+08:00

AHHH!!!

ITS PENICILLIUM!
NOT PENICILLIN!!! ARGH.
Thats 1 mark gone.
I'm so pissed!

Anyway,
I was watching this show on HBO. - Iron Jawed Angels.
HAHA MAE, you don't have that channel :P
And yeah,
I think I was watching some production on the woman's rights story.
The part where they showed the weird contraption used to force feed the innocent women till they voimt blood; with the background music playing something of courage and freedom.
Everything was so disturbing.

There was this young graduate Alice Paul who fasted for 78 hours in the prison housing more than a hundred women. She got caught by the MALE soldiers and got tortured and force fed.

I mean, how would you like it if someone forced open your mouth with a metal screw and jammed a dirty tube down your gullet.

Not to mention, she was force fed raw egg solution.
It was so gross.
I lost all interest in my lunch after watching her choke in the ordeal.
And after the tube was pulled out, she regurgitated everything.
Blood, Egg solution and all.
And she got thrown back into the cell.

Her nose was bleeding.
Mouth was bleeding.
Pale.
Vomitting.
In pain.

And she was just one of the few hundreds of women imprisoned for campaigning for woman's rights.

OMG.
THANK GOD were we born after that period.

Pictures of the force feeding and many more can be found here.

2006-04-19T15:37:00.000+08:00

2.4km.
8 rounds of running.

Nothing in this world can express how pissed I feel now.

Do I regret ever trying to change momentum?
So I could somehow have an easier run?
Thinking I was sucha smartass and moving into the innerlane?

Yeah, only about 3000 times.

I could just cry at the shame and frustration now.
Its a similar insult Sarah and I face.

Damn it all.

2006-04-18T16:36:00.000+08:00

PFT 5 ITEMS :

Thank You Lord.
Thank You for giving me the strength to push through for pull ups and shuttle run.
Thank You for helping me clinch a Gold so quickly.
Even though I haven't done the run yet.
Thank You so much.

2.4 RUN :

IS TOMORROW.
And I am starting to get quite worried.
I MUST GET AN A.

And yes Mae, I know its not a competition to you.
But it is to me.
You have no idea how I'll never forgive myself if I don't run my best tmr.
Even if you do take it ever so lightly.
It means the world to me.

ANDANDAND!
FULL MARKS FOR EMATH! :)
Coolness.

Quote of the day :

Lou: " Mae, you got the wrong quack(quek)!!"
Mae : " OH! HAHAHAHA..quack quack!"

If you could see me now.

But Alyssa,
This is me.
This is my style.
This is the influence MGS has on me.
But I will try my best to change.

Or maybe I'm just simply a flirtacious chit.
Deep deep deep deep deep down.
Oh dear.

2006-04-17T21:04:00.000+08:00

Its times like these where my competitive drive goes into overload.

2006-04-17T16:18:00.000+08:00

I hate you .

AND.
I will never forgive myself if I fail to perform freakishly better than you.

I will never believe it.
Even if it means living in self denial.
Its just so damn impossible.

This IS an insult to my entire life.
It's such an eye sore.

You're such an eye sore.

2006-04-16T17:48:00.000+08:00

I love and love and love, I love you.

OMG.
How charming can Mr Darcy get?

And yes, I have broken the Harry Potter records with Pride and Prejudice.

5 times.

Wow Carmen.

2006-04-16T15:12:00.000+08:00

Its just 2 days away.
And God knows I really want an A.
With God's strength.
I am going to run like never before.

Did you really expect me to believe?

Sometimes I wished what I had thought were true.
No matter how wrong it seemed.
Maybe, then.
Life would be more thrilling.

I need a change.
I need something wonderfully exciting to focus on.
Are you willing to give me that change?

Are you?

I really hate moping about this.
But the reality of it is becoming quite unbearable.

2006-04-16T13:24:00.000+08:00

I LOVE P&P.
I LOVE MR DARCY.

But.
It's a pity not many guys like him exist anymore.

Sigh.
I AM obsessed.

!!!!!!!!

Then again,
Life isn't a pride and prejudice fanfiction.

I hope there isnt SPA OLEVEL tmr.

2006-04-15T12:31:00.000+08:00

I really
REALLY.
Need a new mini mart.

Somewhere new.

I should probably move to another house too.

Hello Carmen.
Hello.
How are you?
Okay.
How's Tennis?
Okay.
How's the new coach?
Okay, I got _____. So yeah..
So what are you doing down here?
I don't know, buying food? What are YOU doing here?
Oh, my daughter just finished tennis. We're here for a drink.
Oh. Okay.

Smile.
Walk away.

And with that.
I feel like slamming my head into the wall now.

Of all people to meet.
And just when I thought I'd moved on.

Well I guess this is a good thing in some twisted aspect.
Cos now I know,

I don't really feel anything for ~~you.~~

And I feel happier now.
Knowing my sanity is still intact.

Break Dance not Hearts.

Dee, who's the super zero now?!

2006-04-14T21:18:00.000+08:00

I am SO.
Obsessed with P&P.
And I think Jane Austen has moved up to No 1# author on my list.
Sorry, JK Rowling.

Not to mention,
I am insanely enamoured by Mr Darcy.
OMG. How smitten can someone get?

Oh no,
I think I've forgotten my password and username for the wordpress thing.

Oh dear me,
Not your perfect anymore arent I?

2006-04-13T19:44:00.000+08:00

There has to be more than this.

I love SWIM MEETS.
I love bearing the BLACKMORE flag.
I love swimming.

Well,
Someone's blowing hot and cold today.

And I really don't want to bother anymore.
You know why?

My heart is no longer in it.

<3 Pride and Prejudice!!!
MATTHEW MACFADYEN!
SO. Charming.

2006-04-11T19:16:00.000+08:00

I hate the dentist.
My mouth is so sore now.
And I can still taste blood.
Damn.

OBS checkup was so long and draggy.
Not to mention irritating.

ANDANDAND!
WE MADE $204.70 today!

Omgosh.
I never knew Vicky's cookies were so GOOOOOD.
EVERYTHING WAS SO GOOOOD.

All my friends can actually cook!
Wow.

I feel sick.
And if there wasnt SPA practical and Math Test(OMG!) tmr,
I wouldnt be going to school.

I'm getting so tired.
So tired of all this.

2006-04-10T17:39:00.000+08:00

I didnt sleep well last night.
Which could only mean one thing.

Woke up with a terrible headahce.
And actually made it through school.

I want another weekend.
And NICOLA is sick.

FINALLY some thing that made my day,
A2 for GEOGRAPHY!!
COOLNESSSS.

Thank you Lord.

And when I find myself not doing anything.
All those thoughts creep in again.

Its embrace is that of steel.

I think I may have fallen too deep in.
And now, there's no turning back.

This is week is a 3 day school week.
YESSSS!!!!!!!!!

Okay, that sounded wrong.

2006-04-09T20:45:00.000+08:00

Okay,

Let's think about this rationally.

a. You could be jumping into conclusions again.
b. It is really as it seems. OH NO.
c. Do you feel anything at all? ANYTHING? If yes, then please consider how wrong it is and stop before it is too late.
d. You are tired and sleep deprivation is making you insanely stupid to even think of such a weird possibility.

So take your pick.
a/b/c/d?

All boils down to one question.

Are you giving in to it yourself?

If Yes,

PLEASE STOP NOW.
STOPSTOPSTOP.
OMG.

Yes,
I really need to sleep now.
Tmr is gonna be a shit day.

Chem and Geog are gonna be returned.

EDIT:
OMGOMGOMG.
okay, now I'm really starting to get worried.

2006-04-09T16:52:00.000+08:00

SPORTS CARNIVAL WAS FUNFUNFUN.
Especially the FREE food.
And all the games we played.
And the bouncy castle.
Even the hopeless badminton competition Mae and I competed in.

I've seriously tired myself out this week.

And today was really - happy in an overated way.

I mean, what do you expect?
I'm totally unnerved.
Not to mention, my scary thoughts are screaming around the walls of my mind right now.

What IF?

I really adored Marcus's sermon today.
AND I have to write an article on it.

I really need to stop thinking now.

FANFICTION.NET, be my relief.

What if I'm only using you to get to him?
Because, a huge side of me is considering that wonderful advantage.
As it's just a matter of time.
Yet my mind is whispering,
"Thats not the right thing to do Carmen, no matter how tempting it is."

2006-04-07T15:05:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna fail Chemistry.
And DL is going to make me hate it.

Damn the phsycological stress.

ARGHHH.

Today was IFD.
And of all the nice authentic ethnic dishes there were at the fair,

What did I eat?
I ate an APPLE!.
Sigh.

I'm not in the mood for lunch now.
I feel nauseated at the sight of food.

Okay,
I really HAVE to stop thinking about how disappointed DL will be.
And how I'm gonna be in such deep shit on MONDAY.

OH HELL.

There's the competition tmr.
PLEASE MAE.
PLEASE bring the raquets.
Hopefully we'll perform decently.

The Ionic bonds of love.
IONIC STRUCTURE.
AHHHHH.

Someone, please obliviate me.

2006-04-06T17:08:00.000+08:00

Sports Carnival is this SATURDAY.
And I have no idea how I'm going to compete in badminton doubles with Mae.
We seriously need a trial run.

There's CHEMISTRY test tmr.
I really HOPEHOPEHOPE Jilly can help me out.
!!!!!

Mae, I'm so sorry I didnt turn up for tennis today.
It came to a choice between failing CCA or failing chem.
And obviously, I chose - yeah.

There's photog duty tmr.
And I swear after tmr, I'm gonna slack like never before.
And sleep of course.

Geography was okay.
Besides the part where I think I may have lost 4 marks already.

And tomorrow's another challenge.

ANDANDAND.
I am SO proud of myself for giving up that so veryveryvery tempting aspect of seeing you again.
Instead, here I am,
At home.
STUDYING. :)

Good job Carmen.
You deserve to eat an ice cream. *GASP!!

God knows I'm dead tired.

2006-04-05T21:21:00.000+08:00

GEOGRAPHY test tmr.
I AM NOT looking forward to it.
And I'm probably gonna run again tmr.

Today's run was rubbish.

I'm tired.
And I don't want to bother with GEOGRAPHY anymore.
But I must.

I hate medical check-ups.
I hate stripping.
I HATE my 4 degree curve.
Whatever that is - its not a good sign.

BOTHERBOTHERBOTHER.

AR is very charming.
Oh my twisted sense of definition.

He wrote my name in silver sands.

2006-04-04T16:41:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was sickening.
I felt sick with emotions.
So sick, all I wanted to do when I got home was to curl up in my bed and sleep it all away.
Or drink loads and loads of vodka and die.

But no, my mum had to vent out all her frustration on me.
Its not a surprise.
I don't blame her.

I wished I never followed the group to the airport.

Well, I don't even want to think about it anymore.
I did something yesterday that would make DL really proud. :)

Sigh.
I miss you.
So damn much.
But life goes on.

And on a brighter note,
Rachelle is coming back after her studies!!!
Apparently, her dad doesnt like life there.

YAYE.

It's reality that shatters you into pieces.
And this time, there isnt a "Warren Peace" to run to for comfort.
You have to get over it yourself Carmen.

2006-04-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

I thought I could at least try out sitting behind you.
Apparently, it didnt work.

I'm SO sick of this.

All of this.

2006-04-01T15:36:00.000+08:00

AHHH!!

I feel like changing to a Xanga account.

Moving elsewhere.
A new address?
A new host?

This blog is stale.
And the html here is being seriously unfriendly.
Time for something refresing!

Gee, how desperate can I get?

OMG!
STEVEN STRAIT!!! <3
THE NEW KEANU REEVES.

HE IS SO HOT.

I could just melt.

Amanda was right.
I DO have an ulterior motive for watching SKY HIGH.

AND I just realise something.
COOLNESS.

Alyssa, spot the unnerving resemblance?

Not that STEVEN STRAIT looks like him.
BUTBUTBUT.
Look!

2006-03-31T19:36:00.000+08:00

My left leg is killing me.
And I can hardly climb the stairs properly.
Stupid leg.

And I think I crashed my "eat-healthy- or- no- eating" diet today.
Ironically.
I still want to continue.
Even though my body is being wrecked with gastric now.
And it hurts like hell.
But.
Its better to hurt this way than the other.

She confessed something to me today.
And I was stunned into silence.
And I think I covered up pretty well.
Cool.

I don't want to do the jetty jump.
OBS, home to the jelly fishes.
The only place where they supply you with shit spades according to Amanda.
Oh Joy.
MAY 22. That day is gonna come sooner or later.
And its just a matter or time.

WTH.
I need to go for 2 Medical Screenings.
And An Injection?!

OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!! <3

STEVEN STRAIT is so HOT.

And now even as I attempt to read Warren Peace fanfics,
I AM going to do my tuition work.

HAPPY APRIL'S FOOL!!!!

For the record,
We made Lao Shi cry today with Bev's "fainting spell".
Sorry Lao Shi.
And Miss T called us 3D losers for playing that prank on her.
But we still love her.

2006-03-30T21:48:00.000+08:00

Its those days where you realise how much has changed.
And it all seems so surreal.

And I'm not ready.

My legs hurt.
Cramps are such a bitch.
Damn the lactic acid coursing through my left leg now.

I wanna watch Sky High.
But I'm here slacking away on FANFICS. <3

And I'm killing myself by drinking one bottle of lemon tea.
Oh the citric acid is gonna trigger my gastric.
But you know what?
I DON'T CARE.

Everything hurts.

I've not done QT in a long time.
And I feel guilty.
God Forgive me.

Its times like these that I realise how much I still miss you.

And the worst part is?
It feels like its never gonna go away.
And that REEKS.

2006-03-30T19:45:00.000+08:00

I will not let history repeat itself.
And I'm fine.
DON'T touch me.
I don't want your concern.

We are the champions,
We are the champions,
NO TIME FOR LOSERS,
Cos' WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS.

Yay! <3

I feel like a bitch.
For giving you that bitch look during the game today.
However.( GASP* Magic Word!!)
I can't help it if you keep making a public shit of yourself, hitting my wrist like that.
Not to mention hitting it over and over again.
You don't even comprehend that its bloody against the rules to do that!?!!!?
And you're a thick arse.
And you're a freaking prefect.
You don't even DESERVE that position.
AND you piss me off.

Then again we won 12-1
You LOSER.

The dominant side is coming out of me today.
So much for DISC.

And guess who's all F-L-E-X-I-B-L-E nowww?????.

Guess those stretches I tried doing in Sec 2 did pay off.
HAHAHHAHA.

Yes,
Please give my ego a chance to explode.

We did alright for GEOG project today.
COOL. :)

Bio Test was tricky.
And I fear the worst.

Oh if HC could see me now.

But many await.
Just like today.
Oh what a surprise I had.

What a small world this is.

2006-03-29T16:59:00.000+08:00

DL's Re-Quiz.
It did nothing to encourage my fading interest in chemistry.
What it did,
Was to make me even more determined to pass every quiz he gives us.
Bloody Re-quiz.
Made me wanna throw those annoying lab chairs at his head.

I did sprinting today.
Not good.
I will never attempt something like that again.
My chest was ready to explode and start wailing.
It felt somewhat reassuring to feel that familiar pain kick back.

There's BIO test tmr.
And I have yet to understand enzymes properly.

Its a privilage to be happy in times like these.

And yet, I wished I had access to the first door.
Thats a privilage I'll never have.
Even if I went for Re-re-re-re-re-re quizzes.
Because, no amount of intellect could EVER give me that chance.

Damn you.
Damn her.

2006-03-28T22:22:00.000+08:00

There are 3 doors now.

Door 1
Leads me back to where I started off last year.
Ecstatic and Miserable.
Being shown what genuine concern is like.
And missing it altogether.
This is the door I find the hardest to turn away from.

Door 2
Has the potential.
Leads to an interesting challenge ahead.
But I'm not quite certain I'll hang around this door for long.
Then again, I really don't know.

Door 3
Acts as a constant.
Bringing Normality.
Reality.
Maturity.
But unattainable.
This is door is either occupied or - just closed.
And I'm still stubbornly knocking on it.
Like as if my sanity depended on that door's vacancy.

This reminds me of the BIOLOGY TEST I have on THURSDAY.
!!!!!!

2006-03-28T17:23:00.000+08:00

Mother Nature is being relentless as usual.
Ouch.

I can't believe my luck.
He knows Kifo.
!!!!!!!!
WOW.
What. A discovery.

Oh, I got a B4 for chinese.
Its not that I've forgotten how annoyed I am.
But rather, I've accepted the fact that no matter how hard I study,
Mae will always do better.
And my my mum WILL still continue to compare.
Whether I like it or not.
Sigh. I am such a jealous bitch.

I just can't seem to give a damn anymore.
I dont want to be caught up in this.
I am so tempted to detach myself and just study my life away.
To pretend that everything will end up in one big laugh.

Because it won't.
Not like it always does.
Perhaps the wonder trio hasnt felt it yet.
But I do.

I love FANFICTION.
I love SOCO.
I love GOD.
I love -

I really need to stop this.

I really need to stop thinking about it.

You could be my heroin.
And steal my heart away.

2006-03-27T18:50:00.000+08:00

I failed my AMATH.
Just as I thought I would.
But nothing's tougher than seeing the paper itself.
Reality's being a bitch today.

workworkworkworkworkplayworkwork.

Sunday was okay.
Just like ALL the other Sunday's.

I think,

Now that I've gotten use to the normality of seeing you,
Just being able to see you.

If God chooses to reveal the truth to me,
It might just shatter my world.

Everything is alright.
I need to study now.

2006-03-25T17:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it becomes so real, it gets scary.

PTC one to one went well I guess.
My mum isnt too pissed.
I guess thats a good sign?

Thank you Mr L for being the sunshine in my mum's day.
You have no idea how cheesy I sound now.
BUTbut.
I am so grateful to him.

The analogy of Kind Duncan and Macbeth comes into my head now.

But then again,
Mrs T just ruined it all.
As she always does.
With style.

SOCO never fails to cheer me up. :)

I must not screw up anymore tests.
I can't afford to anymore.
And that threatens my happiness.
Just knowing that-

I don't want MONDAY to arrive.
Thats the day.
I face my AMATH results.
Which I'm sure will be just as shoddy as my 2005 end year paper.

I need to pretend I'm a non-christian tmr,
GEE.

2006-03-24T21:04:00.000+08:00

Revelation- a: an act of revealing to view or making known b: something that is revealed; especially: an enlightening or astonishing disclosure.

I'm sleepy.

And,

I really dislike revelations.
For many reasons unknown to you readers.
Sometimes I wished I never knew the truth.

PTC- one to one tmr.

I hope Mrs T doesnt disclose my geography marks.
Or I think my mum will have one big hellova revelation.
Dramatic Irony.

I don't know why I snapped today.
Probably because I just got so fed up.
So sick of your nature.

Sunday should be interesting.
Maybe I'll try.
Then again,
I bet I'll be too tired on sunday morning to even care anyway.

Its not exactly the amount of homework from both school and tuition thats bogging me down.
Its more of the fitful nights of sleep lack thereof.
In other words - Not A Good Night's Sleep.
And the stress.
And the ongoing fact that -
Darn it.

Sometimes I hate my curiousity.
If I hadnt been so damn curious and went all out to get answers.
This wouldnt happen.

And your presence isnt exactly helping.
With me knowing that -

You know,
The number of YM people who link me,
Without my knowledge - disturbs me alot.
Thats rather weird dont you think?
Oh The Power Of Bloghopping.
Gee.

It was so sudden.
And so painful.
That the stars exploded.

2006-03-22T20:04:00.000+08:00

I'm so sleepy,
My mind is probably not really here as I type this.
Then again.
It IS kinda hard trying to juggle not sleeping, revising maths and blogging.

I ran the 2.4 training run today.
It went quite well.
I AM rather satisfied with my results.
BUT I think.
If that stupid, impertinent, foolish and blind primary school twit;
Didnt walk pass me while I was sprinting my last round and flawed my movement,
I would have done MUCH better.
Damn her.
I'm still really REALLY annoyed.

I hope I typed enough for Lit.
I'm sure 714 words is enough to fill 2 pages of lecture pad right?

Why is it that ENGLISH is the only lesson that makes our minds think dirty things?
It MUST be Miss C's droning.
AND. I'm still thinking about the 10 min thing Mrs Ch. told us.
She's soo dirty and funny.
I think if she left us for the workshop thing.
I would be devestated.

OH MY .
Tmr theres GEOG PROJECT.
AndANDAND!!! We don't have a script.
Oh Shit.
Mrs T. is most probably gonna hate us.

Ahh.
WTH.
I really want Sunday to come now.
At least the day consists of some sort of both physical and mental REST.

Lady M. You're a pretty evil creature from hell.
And you disturb me.

2006-03-21T18:18:00.000+08:00

Well.
I deleted my last post.
It sounds a tad bit too disturbing for blogging.

ANYWAY.
A1 FOR MATH!!!! I LOVE MATH!!! - not.

I hope I do just as well for Geog.
Sigh.

I'm dead tired.
All I want to do is to fall asleep and not wake up.
Ever.
Well at least till I feel alive again.

Today was a funny day.
Esp. during English Compo. ( *GASP)
We chose to write an imaginative essay on " Our Reunion 10 years later"

Mae to Me : I KNOW CARMEN WANTS TO MARRY BATMAN. Since he's soo morbid...

Nicola : I can marry ROBIN!! Since you know..Robyn and Robin!? hahahahahahhah. AndAND; Mae can marry Superman and Carmen can marryTHE HULK! HAHAHAHHAA. !!!

Me to Mae : I CAN'T! I'll die on my wedding day! Oh wait, no, WEDDING NIGHT *gives that sick look. HAHAHHAHAHAH.

Mae : AHHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHH. * Tells Cola everything I said. HAHAHAHAHAH.

Nicola : EWW! AHHAHAHAHAHA. You know, THE HULK increases in size and only explodes his shirt but not his pants ( Cola does the HULK action). I wonder why??? HAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Carmen and Mae : HHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH.............AHHAHAHAHHAHAH.

Carmen to Nicola : You know, Robin and Batman are gay partners?..AHHAHA.

Mae : YEAH AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.

See how weird we become during Miss C. lessons?
Its a cry for desperate humour to cease the bore.

Anyway, I wrote a nice essay.
AND mae wrote about how I became a herbologist.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Not funny.

2006-03-19T17:59:00.000+08:00

And sometimes.
You just feel so miserable.

I dont know.
Maybe its just cos I can't accept that kind of failure.
I mean, WTH?!!!
How could I have been so stupid?!!!!!!!
But then again, it really did look quite alright to me.
ARGH.

And thanks.
I feel SO much better.

Whatever.

I must say our "Amazon Basin" looks okay.
Even though I think Mrs T isnt gonna like it.
And she's probably gonne rub it in and demoralise us..
Shit.
I hate Mrs T.

I had such a FUNfunFUN time at Nicola's house.
Yes Cola, don't let your ego explode.
It was wayyyy better than hanging around at home basking in my sudden failure.
Except the part where, she forgot that we were coming.
And..
Mae and I got locked out.
We were actually contemplating on these 3 options if it suddenly rained cos I saw cumulous clouds :

1. Climb over the gate.
2. Gatecrash Mrs Q's house.
3. Beg Her Dog to open the gate. ( sense our desperation?)

And this was Mae's weird idea :

" Carmen, climbing over the gate is AGAINST THE LAW!! It'll be like breaking in!?!!! We..WE CAN HIDE UNDER THAT TREE!! ( points to the puny palm tree with narrow leaves)"

That.
Was simply a ridiculous thought.

This is one of the 4 lives I lead.
I like this one the best :)

In the end, we just settled for taking a cab to Mae's house.
Which we didnt really need in the end.
Gee I wasted $3.90

I was quite afraid Sparky would bite and bark at us if we actually climbed over the gate.
Or, that might have sounded off the alarm.

Its not that I feel any better about what happened today.
And I know I shouldnt even give a damn.
And I should probably learn from my mistake and MOVE ON.
But I can't.

And You are not making things any easier.

AND OMG.
YOU LOOKED SO HOT TODAY. <3
Tsk Carmen.

And so was the weather.
And as I predicted, there was convectional rain.
See MAE!

2006-03-18T17:36:00.000+08:00

I look like shit.

I have shadows near my eyes.
Not to mention in them.

And my hair isnt looking all that glamourous.

In fact.
It looks really messy and tired.

Just like how my whole mental being is now.

And Joy!
I'm STILL going for that Farewell thing tonight.
I'm leaving in 30mins.

One Word?

I look like an old 15 year old.

Haggard.

Maybe I should drink some coffee.
Damn it.

2006-03-18T13:41:00.000+08:00

I feel sick.
On a holiday.
HAHAHA.

And Ironically,
I feel even more tired than on a normal school week.

I think its the restless nights that I've been having.
Oh joy.

And I have 2 tuitions today.
And I haven't done much of my chinese.
And I dont even feel up to having chinese tuition.

Edit : YES!! NO CHINESE! Thank God.

I hope Mae agrees to have tuition with me on Wednesday.
And I don't feel like going for the farewell party (II) tonight. :(
And I don't feel like going to church tmr.
I'm probably meeting up at Robyn's house tmr for the Natural Vegetation thing.

Eurgh.
I need to go gargle acid now.

PS: I know Nicola hates it when I call her Robyn. Well better than being called Nicholas right?! HAHAHAHHAHAH.

2006-03-17T19:40:00.000+08:00

Everytime I think about what happened at NACLI.
I cringe.
At the memory of how shamelessly desperate I was.

Besides the part where the Lord renewed my life.

After that regrettable game.

I pratically made it so damn clear.
So damn obvious that.

EURGH.
Why was I so intoxicated ?!

2006-03-17T10:35:00.000+08:00

I seem to have slipped back into my " theres-nothing-better-to-do-than-workworkwork" mode.

I think I may have finally realised that tuition is TMR.
And I haven't done a thing about my pile of tuition homework.
Which is probably collecting dust on my oh- so- messy study table.

Sigh.
Come to think of it.
My table is SO FREAKING messy.
Its starting to become an eyesore.

Jean wants me to do a mindmap.
Something which I seem to have no patience doing.

Last night was terrible.
I woke up at bloody 3 am in the morning. (Mrs Choo's correct then. The number 3 IS evil.)
This stupid high pitch noise was so damn annoying.
I could'nt return to sleep.

I looked out the window.
No car alarm.
I walked to the doorway.
Apparently, the freak sound was coming from my dad's room.
But he didnt seem too affected by it.
I closed the door and went back to sleep.

I think it was either, my dad was too dead asleep to have heard the sound.
Or my mind's too hyperactive from all the FANFICS I've been reading.
Gee.

You always have a way to make me feel stupid.

Shit.
I shouldnt have told you.

2006-03-16T18:14:00.000+08:00

You know.
I wish I could be reading the bible now.
Or my 43 pages of chinese wonder.

But no.
I'm being such a lazy old fool.

Addicting myself onto FANFICTION.NET!!

But well.
Who can resist the pull of HG/SS?!
Okay.
I know all of you can.
(I can just see mae laughing her head off.)

Especially Patty.
The SLASH fanatic.
Eurgh.

Yesterday's Farewell Part (I)
Was really really really eventful.
But to summerise everything,

I love the food at SIGLAP! <3 FOOOOOD.

Omgosh.
I think I need to diet a bit.
I've been eating and eating and eating ever since the hols began.

Mae's in Vietnam now.

And I should probably get to work now.

2006-03-14T11:53:00.000+08:00

OMGOSH.

GET THAT PICTURE OFF THE FLICKR SITE!!!!!

You had better NOT NOTNOT put that up in the video.

ARRGHGHGHGHGHHGH!!!

Okay anyway.
I just discovered something that could just shatter my nice and peaceful low profile life in the YM.

Oh my eyes.
They burn.

GET THAT FREAKING PICTURE OFFFFFFF.

Oh man.
I gotta call Alyssa.
She's gonna want to see this.
She'll probably blow up too.

OHHH EWWW.

2006-03-13T21:55:00.000+08:00

I'm doing it again.

I'm barricading myself in books.
I'm trying to avoid all those things.

And somehow.
The voices stop when I stop thinking.
Besides.
I love reading.

But so far.
Fanfictions are not as satisfying.
As expected.
Which can only mean one thing.

I'm so damn bored of SS/HG fics.

I need a new interest.
I need to watch BTVS and relive my Spike filled days.
AND. Its the holidays!!

Its funny how I still feel so damn tired.

Both emotionally and mentally.

When I stop.
To take a breather,

They come in again.
Poisoning me with hope.
All 3 of them.

My sister is annoying.

Photohunt was generally okay.
Though I know, my heart wasnt in it.

And whats worse,
My mum told me that he's still out there.
Holding a torch for me.
And I took it quite badly.

I think she meant it as a joke.
But I'd beg to differ.

2006-03-11T12:33:00.000+08:00

I lost my lecture pad.
And my chinese tutor is probably gonna nag me again.
I should also probably start investing in a chinese writing book.
Geez.

I haven't quite finished my chinese work yet.
I hope I'm diciplined enough to finish it later.
Sigh.

This morning has been so dull.
My mind has already started rotting away.

Jean didnt actually do much with me.
I mean, I seriously doubt drawing mindmaps for Indices and Logarithms,
Is gonna help me with my problem which actually lies in "the discriminant" chapter.
Golly, I don't even know what its called.
Mrs A is going to be so disappointed with me.
But, I seriously don't get that chapter very well.

I had a nightmare last night.
Nightmares are caused by manifestation of fear.

I was reading through Macbeth.
Its funny how Mrs C uses the words " Dramatic Irony" so much.

Dramatic Irony : A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect.

AND. Those "dramatic ironies" in Macbeth were hardly humorous.
Frankly, they creep me out.

Oh yes,
I can just hear Mae- the- masochist say : " Carmen, you wimp! HAHAHA."

Whatever Mae.

Happy travelling to Vietnam :)
I know you hate it.

I'm going to make guilt engulf you whole tomorrow.
Just you wait.

2006-03-10T19:23:00.000+08:00

CHEM SPA went well. :)

Frankly, I never thought Titration would ever be easy.
Given the fact that I've always been asking Cher step by step questions during EVERY practical.
Blame it on my Auditory Learning process.

BUTBUTBUT!
Even amongst the nervousness,
I hit the accurate result on my FIRST attempt!

Omgosh.
Everything went so smoothly.
Just as I prayed.
Thank you Lord.

Bio practical went better this time round.
Unlike the last time,
I actually knew what I was doing.
Although I think I might have screwed up the timing.
And my hands still trembled.

Quote of the Day :

" I'm draining myself for you."

You know, I do feel sorry for him.
And I'm sorry I laughed when you said that.
I think I'll try to change next term.
Oh yes.
DL has finally captured the hearts of the children.
I think.

I cant wait to repay my sleep debt this HOLIDAY.

Theres a mutual friendship.
Something I can't bear to break.
Even if its from you.
I can't deny that I treasure it.

So so so much.
That you'll never know.

2006-03-09T19:40:00.000+08:00

Thursdays are always the most irritating days.

I think I'm gonna fail my geog again.

ARGH.

The wind rose fooled me.
And I wrote rubbish.

English was filled with laughter at the new words we have learnt.
Omgosh.
Mae, dont deny it, I know you want to become a masochist.
Mr K would be so proud of you.
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!

Went to eat prata for lunch.
It was heaven on earth.
I'm returning to that place for breakfast on monday.

Came back to school and attemped 5 rounds.
I tried to run at a constant speed.
But somehow, I kept increasing speed with every round.
Annoying.

Tennis was fun.
Colin is so .. odd.
But at least he allows me to make fun of him.
It rained half way and I was running in the rain.
Frantically picking up balls.
I got drenched.
And I was wearing a white shirt.
Oh Gross.

Captain's ball was tough.
But my team came out champions.
Height is an advantage.
I feel so boastful.

And yet, I feel annoyed and bitter at myself.

He said : " How are you Carmen?" ( his famous line followed by, "Its such a nice day, why do you always looks so sad?")
She said : "I'm Fine."

Yes, how very smart of you.
Haven't you showed him enough of your stupidity?!
And all you could do was to smile and act indifferent.
You had so much to tell him.
And yet, you let it slide.

Stupid Stupid Carmen.

3 more days to the HOLIDAYS.
Thank God.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUN NING!
You lucky princess of OCBC.

2006-03-08T15:28:00.000+08:00

GEOG TEST. Tomorrow.

I am freaking scared.
I can't fail this time.

Mrs A is good at teacher-student conferencing.
Unlike Mrs T who interrogates you.

The bruises on my arm are back.
Mr O lied.
So much for " As the lessons pass, your bruises will decrease in intensity."
What rubbish.
My bruises are even worse than the last time I played.
And my wrist is somewhat swollen.
Generally, my arm looks disgustingly blue and black.

I dont really have much to blog about now.
I'm bored.
And I must return to studying my GEOGRAPHY.

Unfortunately,
My bed is tempting me.
Sigh.
Focus Carmen, FOCUS!

I went on a fanfiction craze recently.
And AND AND.

I <3 FANFICTION.

To a certain someone so unlike others, unspoken words are as bad as a game not played, or a fear unconquered. Thank you for your cure, your flight and your help; though you've helped me in more ways than I'll ever dare to tell.

Carmen.

2006-03-06T17:12:00.000+08:00

Majesty ( Here I Am)

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty

Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty
Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice.

I love you.

2006-03-05T16:53:00.000+08:00

Today was THE DAY.

I will never sleep at 12 am and attempt to wake up at 7am, ever again.
My head was pounding as I set off to church.
Didnt eat very much.
YM.
I sat around the darker areas.
But when some people started sitting and standing next to me,
I felt damn claustrophobic.
Couldnt breathe.
Couldnt focus.

That I had been waiting for since -

Moved to sit in front with Sam.
Kevin was the speaker.
Talked about not conforming to the patterns of this world.
Then he said something random.
Which no one would've paid any attention to.
But I did.
It struck a nerve.
It struck hard.

And yet. When you were mentioned.

Naturally,
My curiousity piqued.
But I didnt dare to turn back.

My mind froze.

But I saw.
Eventually.
Exactly as I imagined.
Of Course.
Its that sudden reality slap that many people shun from.
Lunch.

And the truth hit me like a truck.

I didnt feel like eating.
I didnt feel like laughing.
I didnt feel like socialising.
I felt like I lost something that wasnt really mine to begin with.
The bright hope that maybe -
I was wrong.

Because.

Meeting.
I was starting to get sleepy.
The quietness was strange.
Tsk Clarice.

I realised.

Looks like next week should be a challenge.
As will be all the other weeks to come.
Everything was so surreal today.
Alyssa's probably right.
I dont give a damn.
But deep down I know I still do.

There stood no chance.

I kept telling myself.
I was so naive.
I have done such stupid things JUST in hope of -
Yes.
I was THE fool.
Am I still gonna be one?
Given my competitive spirit.
Would I give up?
I know this is wrong.
But am I gonna move on?
Am I gonna look back at my life and say :

" You stupid girl. Why did you wait hopelessly at a closed door?!! "

This was never real.

2006-03-02T20:48:00.000+08:00

It was when he taught me.
That I was reminded of how YOU taught me.
Memories flash by.
And yet, something's always missing.

Tennis was good.
Good Ridens D.
I sure hope this Jefferey guy is as "fatherly" as described.
I see Murphy shaking his head.
Sigh.

Thursday is SUCH tiring day.
I feel so drained.
I just want to sleep.
But theres still so much to be done.

LIARS really turn me off.
And they go to hell.
You have lost my sympathy.
Now its just digust.
Pity your "subtle flirting" backfired.
I feel like laughing.

I tried running today.
My stamina failed me.
As expected.
I tried picturing you standing at the lampost - waiting.
I told myself. Look, he's there and waiting. So Run. RUN faster.
It worked.
Mind over matter.
Right.

I can still hear him say : " Carmen, if you want to degrade yourself, go join your good friends at the other court. If not, you stay here and I will teach you. "

I stayed.
And you left.

I regret giving you such a acerbic response on your last day there.
I regret letting my guards down.
I regret giving in to you on THAT day.

Regret's a bitch.
And it has puppies.

2006-03-01T17:41:00.000+08:00

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

I can't believe myself.
I've been unknowingly staring at that area.
Every bloody morning since the start of 2006.

I think my maid must think I've finally snapped.
She gave me the most skeptical look this morning.
When she saw me staring at THE slope.
With that nostalgic gaze mingled with the morning dull.

It was as sudden as the many mornings.
I could help but - no, wrong. I WANTED those myraid of memories.
It was as if I needed them to - remind myself.

Too stubborn Carmen.
Too stubborn for your own good.

I can't stand the bruises on my arm.
They disgust me.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby and all.

I miss watching BTVS.

I NEED a holiday.

2006-02-27T17:04:00.000+08:00

Normal is an illusion.

An illusion that occurs when one becomes comfortable with a recurring situation. In a world such as ours, where so many things may happen by chance and in times such as these, when life is more fragile than ever, normality simply does not exist.

I wish I could relive December.
Where things SEEMED normal.
Where things WERE so easy and intriguing.
The month where I could still hit on luck to get my way.
The month where I still presumed that -

Yes. I miss the normality of a good holiday.

I HATE Chemistry. ( Sorry Dloh.)
I got a freaking F9.
Damn it.

Your english is giving me a headache.
Not a surprise you're intimidated by us.
A bunch of Cold. Annoyed. Frank. Girls.
No offence.

I already detest the new Sec 1 photogs.
They NEED to get a life.
And a maturity boost.

I CANNOT tolerate immaturity.
Like Such.
I dont want to mentor any one of them.
They are all so - ARGH.

I had such a strange dream last night.

What else?

2006-02-26T15:01:00.000+08:00

Your friend is breaking into pieces right under your nose
And you don't even see it.
Some Friend.

Your daughter is dying inside.
She hides her hurt.
And you call her indifferent.
You're disgusted at her attitude.
You don't even KNOW.
Some Parents.

Ironic.
So bloody ironic.

If you knew how things were really like.
I think you'd want to kill youself for being so damn blind.
So damn insensitive.
Again, the irony.

Words cannot explain how you've affected my WHOLE entire life.
And now, its gone and theres nothing you can do about it.
YOU have made me what I am today.

Oh lucky hell you.

2006-02-24T22:19:00.000+08:00

Que Sera Sera - Doris Day

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother
What will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart
What lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Now I have Children of my own
They ask their mother
What will I be
Will I be handsome
Will I be rich
I tell them tenderly

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que Sera, Sera

2006-02-21T21:02:00.000+08:00

I'm Pissed.
Because.

Go Figure.

I'm SUCH a paranoid freak.
Okay.
I am.
But who made me this way?
HER.

I dont know.
Its not that I blame her.
But of course.
Its ALL my doing - in the end.

"I think therefore I am" right?
Sigh.

I need You now Lord.
They're not there.
But You are Lord.

OH but of course.
I MUST be PMS-ing.
And I'm overreacting.
And I'm pissing people off.
And I was such a fool to tell you yesterday.

This was how it began right?
That was how it should've been.
Gee Carmen, you're getting soft.

Friends?
You think?

This is the part where I call Alyssa.
At Least.

2006-02-20T18:06:00.000+08:00

Shit you Murphy.
You deserved to go to hell.

I've failed ALL 3 tests.
Oh joy.
My mum's gonna flip.
And I have to tell her.
I fear for - everything.

I'm pissed.
You're pissing me off.
Oh riight, everyone's PMS-ing today.
Today IS a crummy day.
"Crummy" - the biggest understatement of the day.

I saw him today.

Nothing of today was happy enough.
Not even that.

What was that bicycle bell and India again?!
Oh wow.
They are SOOO related.
I see it now.
Right. Whatever.

Lets go court doom now.
Oh it's gonna be UGLY
I wont like it ONE BIT.

Then again.
God will see me through.
And I will soar on eagles wings.

Pick yourself up Carmen.
Go face HER now.
OH EVERYONE'S supporting you.
Gee, I feel SOO loved.

Please.
I need a wonderwall.

But No.
You're NEVER there.
You never will.

2006-02-16T20:47:00.000+08:00

I feel like shit.
I want to sleep myself away.
I know, pathetic right?

Dont ask.

2006-02-15T16:45:00.000+08:00

Today is the day that will go down in history.
Mr K - Scarred for life.
Soccer was fun for all of the floorballers today.
I must say, KK enjoyed himself too.
Smiled, smiled, smiled AND SMILED.
Until.
Someone kicked the ball a tad bit too hard.
It slammed into his crotch.
OW. Should've seen his reaction.
And lucky me.
I saw it all happen.
Up close and personal.

EVERYONE started laughing.
At least two girls were on the floor.
Eunice was hiding her face near the fence.
I was kneeling and laughing my guts out.
Riight. I know we shouldnt be so mean.
BUT WOW.
That was just so amusing.
I must say, he became quite insecured after that.

Looks like someone's gotta buy a crotch guard by next PE.
HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA.

I can believe I got 19 !
Bloody shit.
How could she do that?!
She broke my nice perfect record of 20 and above.
ARGH.

Bench ball was fun.
Fierce. Very Fierce.

I'm gonna make you work. Make you WORK-WORK make you WORK.

I'm gonna make you SCREAM. Make you SCREAM.

Ohmygosh. I sound so wrong.
Well. See what stress does to one's mind?
HAHAHAH.
My bimobotic slut side is showing.
B-A-D.

Lovedrunks Rock <3

2006-02-14T15:22:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna sound like a bimbo.
But what the heck.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY <3

Eww. Okay, Bad colour combination.

Anyway.
Thanks for all the gifts.

I already have my valentine.
God, would you be my valentine?

2006-02-13T18:11:00.000+08:00

School is getting sick.
I'm starting to hate it.

My head feels like combusting.
I dont want the geog test.
I think I'm gonna fail.
Just like my chinese.
OH BOTHER.

I want a holiday.

2006-02-11T21:48:00.000+08:00

KEANU REEVES IS SO HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT.

2006-02-11T11:51:00.000+08:00

Where would I be 2 years from now.

The trip to the Sec Hall was quite disturbing.
Somehow, watching the Sec4's of 2005 get their results wasnt as exciting as it should've been.
Okay, it was but. I couldnt help but feel so out of place.
Sitting up there in the gallery felt weird.
The whole thing was soo surreal.
I saw the people who screamed for joy and the people who screamed in tears.
They scared me.
Would I be screaming or crying in 2years time?
The whole scene was so emotional.
I just felt strange.

ACJC isnt a safety net anymore.
That just raises the bar.

This week has been so tiring.
And its only the start of the year.
How wonderful.

Then again, Sec 3 IS the road to O levels.
Its SUPPOSE to be mentally draining.

I never thought physical would take so much energy from me.
My leg still aches.
Sigh.

2006-02-09T19:49:00.000+08:00

Today it rained.
I waited.
I searched.
But I couldnt find you.

Not my calling.
Not mine.
Not ever. Even if I tried.

Physical Training was rather okay.
I got so irritated with Colin for not giving a damn.
I swear, I wont take mass skipping so seriously anymore.
It kills your legs.
Daryll made us do this stupid yoga thing. I'm really not yoga material. Even though he insists that women are better at yoga.
Gee, just because he does yoga.
Then again, my team were overall champions.
COOLNESS.

My body aches.
My mind aches.
My soul longs for You.
To give me inner peace.
I love you.

Mrs Ang thinks Mae, Cola and My immediate reactions to the recess bell are really funny.
I cant help it. It just came naturally. RECESS!

I cant help but feel the stress thats taking over.
I miss 2S.
I miss 1S.
I miss lower sec.

Tmr, Mrs Ang says that if our Easter project turns out presentable, she'll bring us to the Sec Hall to observe 2005's Sec 4's get their O level results. Drama awaits.

You're starting to piss me off.
I don't get what you're playing at.

I'm taking off the password thing.
It makes no sense to put it up anymore.
So YM comm, you can all flock down here now.
Not that I care anyway.

I'm running after you.

2006-02-08T16:22:00.000+08:00

Oasis - Wonderwall

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Be my wonderwall.

2006-02-08T15:01:00.000+08:00

You're pissing me off.
You disgust me.
So stop it already.

ROBZ. Men's lingerie. Road to sensuality.
HAHAHAHAHH.
Robyn.
I sound so damn gay.

Floorball is violent.
Mass skipping is FUN. As long as the rope doesnt whack onto your ear.

SS - Merger and Seperation.
Dense Federal Goverment.
Not that anyone would care anyway.

Tennis tmr.
Damn Daryll.
Alliteration.

2006-02-07T21:00:00.000+08:00

I passed my maths.
I ve gotten myself a B3.
1 mark away from an A2.
My mum is having the time of her life rubbing it all in.
My tutor surprisingly reacted quite unexpectedly.
I thought she would go, " Well, you have done your best Carmen. :) Cheer up!"
But NO. She didnt.
In fact she became quite different.
I'm actually very disappointed. Then again. What can one expect from such kindness? I knew it was too good to be true.
Its times like these, where one can only hope that what I think is gonna happen, doesnt happen.
But Murphy is going against me once again. As always.

Somehow, I feel rather discouraged now. Oh I wonder why??!!!
Will I EVER excel in maths?
Will I EVER be satisfactory in my mother's eyes?
Will I EVER get through my tutor?
I dont know.
OH no. I beginning to feel like Cola.

I really hope that rumour doesnt spread.
Or I think I'm better off removing myself from the team.
I wouldnt know how to react.
I know I'll freak out first then quit.
Then again, I also wouldnt know how to go about telling him that I want to quit.
I just lack Clarice's direct rudeness.
Pity.

I am not looking forward to this Saturday.
Teacher Jean is gonna be so damn pissed.
I dont want to face her.
I dont want to face her disappointment once she sees that all my mistakes were careless.
ARGH. I DONT WANT TO.
But I must. Because, I have tuition.
Because, God wants to teach me a lesson.
Because, I must face my own consequences.

Sigh. I really want an older brother now.
Weird random thought.
Stupid mind.
You're such a traitor.

I miss watching Buffy Season7.
I miss watching Spike.
I miss watching Angel Season5.
I miss the HG/SS fanfiction marathons.
I miss sleeping in.
I miss you. And yet.

I'm not Okay.
Make it stop.
Make it go away.

2006-02-03T15:47:00.000+08:00

"Now, we are rivals."
"So, this is the new arrival?.."
Oh man. I sound like a bitchslut.
I'm picking up that Gong Li ( Hatsumomo) accent.
And I'm actually perfecting it.

I cant believe I'm one of the 3 in the class who passed the Chinese LIT test.
WOWZA.

I just realised that 3t is THE most kinky sick-minded class I've ever been in.
It's making me think kinky too.
Eurgh. Gross.

I'm a Theoretical Thinker.
I'm an Auditorial Learner.
I'm a Precisionist.
I have the same DISC personality results as Beethoven and Leonardo Da Vinci. HAHAHHA.
Same result.
CSDI. Sigh.
www.motivationalliving.com Go check it out.

Nicola Kan Li Shan Robyn is sick.
Poor Girl.

There's love letters from J.W. - jessica walker.
Wonder how her reaction will be like.
We are so mean.
Then again, I'm proud to be mean.
Get well soon Cola.

Quote of Yesterday:

"I may be sacarstic, but I'm not abusive."

Daryll

2006-01-30T15:04:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone.
Make it happy.
I know mine already isnt.
But, what the heck.

2006-01-28T20:15:00.000+08:00

You cannot read loss.
You can only feel loss.

I feel loss.
Not that kind of loss.
A different kind.

Delane's Dad just passed away.
I wished I'd gone for the funeral.
She was SUCH a good friend to me in sunday school.
As her senior and her fellow SG member, I really should've been there.
But Delane is SO strong. I really respect her.
And she is barely 13.
Sigh.

After watching Memiors, I felt more relieved.
And a certain yearning for the DVD release date.
It was bloody brilliant.
But at the same time, a little disappointing.
The ending was so twisted.
I still prefer the book.

I think he's returning tmr.
I wonder what I should wear.
Along to suit the CNY season.
Got it, long black bohemian skirt, blue crossback AND heels.

I dont feel like celebrating.
I dont feel like flaring my "sleazy" clothes.
Okay, maybe not sleazy. Just tight fitting.
I dont feel naughty enough to play with my perv cousin's mind tmr.
I dont feel like binging on CNY goodies.
I dont feel as happy as I should be.

Maybe I was out of depression for too long.
Maybe I miss it.
Or maybe, it misses me.
Misery loves company.

I feel like going to the houses and getting the money$$$ and going home.
Rachelle is gone.
I dont want to act all jolly. But I must.
I dont want to socialise.
I dont want to hear :

a. "WOW Carmen, so TALL already...wow..so slim.*makes that curvacous hand movement*"
b. " SEC3 already ahh.. Carmen? Are you stressed? You've grown up so fast..*gazes at me*"
c. "Hello Carmen, How are you? *starts small talking*"

Gee. I just know I'll hear it. Just thinking about it makes me sneer.

I'll probably end up taking a walk outside.
Becoming more pensieve as the day prolongs.
I know I shouldnt be so miserable.
But argh.
I wish I could just be done with all the school/tuition/life's homework and just go to sleep.
And never wake up.
Maybe then when I wake up, everything will be but a dream.
Won't that be just wonderful.
But no. Reality's way of waking you up with a big painful smack?
Is simply not allowing you to sleep AT ALL.

I feel so stupid for doing what I did.
Because it all was for - Nothing.
NOTHING.
It was wrong to begin with.
Therefore it ended all mess and gore.
LTC. TOFU. YM. Involving myself so flamboyantly.
Just for -
Was all for nothing.
This is what I lost.
I've lost the lacquered covering that enclosed that ugly wound.
I think Daryll might be right in one thing.
Omg. I really must get up. Get on up.

Much alike Nobu-san,
I dont like the things that I cant have, be put in front of me.
Thats just plain cruel.
So stop it.
God, stop it.

On a brighter note,
I'm getting so obsessed with Geisha history and tradition.
And, I think I'm going to re-read the book for the 4th time.
HAH. Cola's Bro Popular?!!! Well, I daresay I'm not THAT surprised.
Dr Crab looked soooo Ewwugh. I really cant imagine that old shorty going through mizuage with Zhang Ziyi. EWW. Gross. Bad thought.

"She paints her face to hide her face. Her eyes are deep water. It is not for Geisha to want. It is not for geisha to feel. Geisha is an artist of the floating world. She dances, she sings. She entertains you, whatever you want. The rest is shadows, the rest is secret."

2006-01-26T18:45:00.000+08:00

Omg. Bloody sod.
I hate you.
You're the most insufferable example of a git I've ever met.
Stupid shit.

My new tennis coach. - Daryll
Is friggin annoying.
He has made me regret having initial respect for him in just 2 hours.
Not only did he make me regret it, he made me stomp on them till they disappeared.

I cant believe him.
He's ~~fucking~~ annoying.
I am so pissed right now.

I got my "masculine" swing back.
Happy now?
I mean, not being OH SO tall as you is one thing, but being vain?!
VAIN?!!!
Damn you.
Oh man. I've not been this pissed at a coach or any other previous coaches for that matter.
Even HC didnt make me this annoyed.

I would do anything to have you back now.
Even though you're sacarstic and indifferent.
I like you all the same.
Now, PLEASE come back.
PLEASE.

MOAG TMR!!!!! Yay.

2006-01-24T19:53:00.000+08:00

I've deleted the "Star War" post.
Simply because - I'm still paranoid.
I'm afraid of what he'll think.
Shit you.

I think.
Fanfiction makes me feel happy to be depressed.
I makes me feel real.
And yet it saddens me.
It confuses me why I feel that way.
And I'm sure I'm confusing you too.

Micheal Jackson songs make me feel happy.
SOCO makes me happy.
I AM a happy girl.
Geez.

I want to put my past where it belongs.
The grave. 6 foot deep.
Where my bottle of hope is.

Geisha's are not prostitutes.
They are artists.
They sell their skills NOT their bodies.
Get that straight.

Weak.
Weakness.
He saw it today.
Oh Bummer.
Can I be anymore irate with myself?!

Der Geist hilft unserer Schwacheit auf
The spirit helps us in our weakness

2006-01-24T19:40:00.000+08:00

Oh no.
He's doing it again.

Go and play with my stupidity.

I know I shouldnt care.
And yet.

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA!!
Yay Us.

2006-01-23T16:45:00.000+08:00

No one must know of this.
I'll do what I must.
I'll ensure it stays where it is.
Sometimes its just so hard.
Sometimes it seems as though it has really ended.
I shouldve known by now, it never really ends.
Its in here.
Poisoning me with hope.
I'll do what I must.
One day, I will walk away looking deadly calm.
One day, I will know how to control.
One day, you will see, I'm not as weak as you.
Theres so much you dont know.
And here you are, thinking all you know about me.
One day, you'll realise, scraping the surface is not enough.
How sad you'll be.
And I'll be standing there, watching you drown in your despair.
I'll show you what indifference is really like.
You thought I was cold before?! How amusing.
You have never seen me cold before.
How you assume. It makes me laugh.

I feel so agnsty.
I need to get out of the house.
I've decided too white wash the above.
Remember, it is YOUR choice to read it. Not mine.
Whatever you may feel after that.
I've no part in that. Not my calling.
So dont even think about counselling me.
If you do know who you are.

2006-01-23T14:55:00.000+08:00

And today, I had actually allowed that small spark of hope crawl back into me.
But then again, it never really came through.

Prefects Installation

Boring.
Depressing.
Degrading.

Besides the weird sense of fun I had while taking photographs and hearing coughCOLAcough sing with the choir, the whole freaking thing was a flop.
But thats just my opinion.

It was hell boring. Unless you actually looked forward to seeing your sister ( as colleen so proudly declares) or close friend get installed.

It depressed me for some apparent reason, I shall not mention.

And it totally degrades the other student body who are not popular enough to become a prefect.

I have just realised, much to my odd sense of amusement, that EVERYONE doesnt sing the bloody school song when asked to. Okay, maybe not.
I was trying SO hard to get a nice shot of someone singing the school song within the student body. So I headed for 3t's position. Yes, fine I AM BIAS.
But much to my disappointment, NO ONE was singing - typical. But NO ONE was willing enough to pretend to sing for me, so I could take the shot. Ugh gosh. Not even Bev who is always oh so spontanous. They all gave me that * If you dare take a shot of me, I'll kill you* side glare. Sigh.

Today went well.
Mae's catching my germs.
HAHA. ok sorry.
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA ON FRIDAY!!!!!
I can hardly wait.

For now, homework awaits.
Damn, I hate missing school.

2006-01-22T11:43:00.000+08:00

Sigh
This is a long weekend.
And surprise.
I'm at home instead of being with the YM.

This is some sick and twisted game.
It never really ends.
Thats why I'm still playing it.

I'm still sick.
One wonders when I'll EVER get better.

Spike never fails to cheer me up.
Omgosh. He is still SO hot.

Fanfiction is just great.
I cant express how grateful I am to the mother of all HG/SS fanfictions.
www.fanfiction.net

Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away, we'll be gone before the dawn.

2006-01-21T13:03:00.000+08:00

I dont know,
Maybe you just switch personalities on weekends.
Which, is a scary thing.
I have this huge urge to go through all the past convos and scrutinise them.
Till I have a clearer idea of how your mind works.
Then maybe I'll have better confidence when we work.

I take my work VERY seriously.
I WANT to do well in this.
Even though you have made it quite a challenge.
But, I like this challenge.
Cos I know I'm winning.

Stop pretending that you care.
I cannot tolerate false comfort.
If anything, it makes me more paranoid and my trust in you will falter even more.
It has come to a point I daresay, where I no longer feel assured in telling you what I really think.

I can no longer fathom what you think.
I give up.
That is a totally different challenge altogether.
And yet, I feel conformed to face up to it.

What if you tell him?
Theres always that small risk percentage that you'll betray my already very weak trust in you - again.
Am I willing to face the consequences?
Are you willing?

This thing is obviously still rampaging in my head.
I feel paranoid.
Do you think he'll forget?
I really dont think so.

And yes, I'm still sick.
And I hope I faint soon.

2006-01-20T18:33:00.000+08:00

I never really thought about this.
Or rather, I've never actually made it quite clear enough.

The Top 3 Things That I Detest Socially:

1. Touching.

I know touching is a universal social gesture, but omgosh, I cannot stand it. It makes me feel so disgusted. I am not a touchy person, so dont attempt to use that universal gesture on me. It. Will. Backfire.

2. Pushing.

I really hate it when people try to push their way into my life.
I think that stament speaks for itself.
Don't force. Let me come willingly.
The more you force, the more I'll recoil.
And, I WILL come to make your life miserable.

3. Intentional Indifference

Indifference, bugger that.
Bugger everyone who just seems to love doing that to me.
Like you. And you.
I just fail to understand why you do it.
Or perhaps, I am wrong.
Maybe you're not being indifferent.
Then again, I wouldnt know.
Just so you know, indifference, really turns me off.
If you are gonna be that way, I see no point in opening myself and letting YOU read me like a book. Because, thats just stupid of me.
Considering the fact, that I already have lost all trust in you.
I dont know why I'm even pushing my luck.
Guess its called hope.

Well, if you do happen to chance upon my blog.

Hurrah! JACKPOT.
If you know what I mean.

2006-01-19T19:09:00.000+08:00

I dont know.
Not going to school really reeks.
Lit essay dued at 12am tonight.
According to Cola, I cant do much besides relax sit back and feel guilty.

I dont even know what the bloody hell I'm suppose to do for homework.
But then again, that absolutely alright isnt it.
I'll probably find out sooner or later.

Its like suddenly, everything is against me.
Or rather pissed with me.
Indifference.

Even the Antibiotics is not cooperating with me.
Oh the excitement.

I mean, I DO feel guilty.
I DO want to do something useful, besides sit back relax and let Cola do ALL the work.
And I know she's pissed off.
And dont deny it Cola.
Mae's not even telling me.

I feel sick.
And did you know, having your period and being terribly sick is SUCH a wonderful thing.
I really dont know what God is playing at.
I dont even know if I have the energy and confidence to face them tmr.

But then again.
Being terribly sick doesnt really matter right?
Its no big deal right?
Why the hell am I blogging about such pathetic things?
To them, it would be nothing, or so it seems.
To me?
I really dont know what I'm doing anymore.
I'm getting paranoid.

But then again.
Its not like anyone would bother.

Thanks everyone.
I feel SO much better now.

I need to go pray.
God cares.
At least I know He does.

2006-01-19T11:55:00.000+08:00

I'm still sick.
Though not so freakishly annoyed anymore.
We should pity Miss C*, its no wonder why she isnt married.
Gee.

It feels weird not going to school.
I just finished typing the missions ministry write up.

I know what you're trying to do.
You're blowing me off.
Its just so typical of you.
I'm not proud to say I've done that too.
What am I doing?
Fine. Go ahead and blow me off. I already saw that coming anyway.
I'm starting to think like a feminist.
But I still long for you.
Just prove it to me and I promise I'll give up.

I feel the need to thank some people now:

I want to thank GOD for giving me these people, in hope of maturing me.
I want to thank him for giving me the experience of a silly schoolgirl infatuation.
I want to thank him for helping me grow out of it and mature emotionally.
I want to thank him for helping me in my time of need.
I want to thank him for proving to me, being goth is BAD.
I want to thank decency for kicking me back to reality and forcing me to move on.
I want to thank my parents for pushimg me to strengthen that mask. Which evidently helped me on many occasions.
I want to thank my friends for showing me that the mask is not always an advantage.

There, 2 years of cold hard unrequited love has taught me many things.
A blessing in disguise?
Now that, I want to give praise to GOD.
He has taught me most.

2006-01-18T15:00:00.000+08:00

Omgosh, some teachers are SO effing annoying.
Esp. HER.
She is such an ass.

I'm so sick, I could faint.
I dont think I'm gonna be going to school tmr.
Although I really want to.

Julia-anne, this is ALL your fault. :P

2006-01-17T17:31:00.000+08:00

Just tell me you could never be with me.
I promise I'll give up and walk away.

YOU are starting to piss me off. So sod off and stop being such a BIG despo.
Gee.
School's been hectic.
The workload increases as every week passes.
I find myself looking forward to weekends.
Even if I have 2 tuitions on Saturday.

OH JOY. I'm able to attend Janelle's church thing.
Yay. I cant wait.

Janelle, I can't believe you think I like him.
Or rather, you actually support the "I-think-********-likes-carmen" fantasy.
Oh gosh.
You make me wanna heave. But then again, I shouldnt react so harshly to the fact that SO many people think that way too. Its just a stupid assumption. Geez.

I suppose the school hours are finally taking effect on my hyperacidity problem.
OhI'mSOhappy.
Blah.

Cola sounds like Mr Bean
Mae sounds like a bimbotic freak. ( no offence)
I'm starting to become high.
So much for the "most serious" one among the four.

I dont feel 15
I still want to play and act all silly and bimbotic.
I still want to laugh and make fun of boys.
But I cant.

I feel like a Sec4.
Funny.
I cant seem to laugh.

I need to get studying now.
Or Mrs A is gonna "See Me" again.
Sod that.

PS : ******** is kept discreet, in case you come and peek at my blog again. This just goes to show how paranoid I've become. Sigh.

2006-01-14T15:27:00.000+08:00

I find it strange that you have to use someone to get through me.
Knowing that you dont exactly care about being rude or not in serious occasions.
This is serious.
And I'm serious about it.

My mum is SO annoying.
God forgive me.
Omgosh. She's treating this year as my O level year, when its not.
Gee, I mean, people have their own ways of studying.
So why cant she understand that?
I guess she's just ever so domineering again.

I had a very VERY scary dream last night.
I dont even want to re-think about it again.

Tmr is sunday.
The day I proof to him that I can take photos.
That I can actually function my camera.
I hope I dont screw up.

I cant believe I skipped QT for 2 days straight.
Im so sleepy.
I cant concentrate.
So I see no point in doing QT when my world is probably half asleep.

Alyssa's right.
She should be more defensive.
I should learn to tone down a bit.
I need to be more sensitive.
Cant see how I can when so many things have happened.

I fell when I met him. I fell hard.
I got cut and bruised. It had hurt tremendously.
I learnt my lesson.
And I picked myself up.
Life doesnt stop at one tragic fall, it goes on and on until you learn to pick yourself up and move on.

He should learn how to do that.
I know how much he cannot tolerate losing people.
But, he'll lose one more if he doesnt crawl back up.
He'll lose me.
Wouldnt that just sting?
He knows it will.
So do I.

I saw the photos today.
Yes, it never occured to me that he is taken.
It felt weird to admit to it.
I felt like shaking the life out of him and demand why.
Initially it felt as if I had tripped on a mere stone and fell.
But I managed to get up and laugh it off.
And yet I feel so bitter now. Funny.

Tennis was rubbish.
He's gone.
I actually still miss him.
In the back of my mind, theres a voice saying : " They can never replace him."
I dont know. But part of me agrees to that.
Look happy thats all they say.
But of course.

No more mountain climbing in the rain.

2006-01-13T14:58:00.000+08:00

I feel sick.
I am sick.
And you're pissing me off.
Damn right you are.
The sun's ruthless today.
I'm starting to annoying myself.
PMS ring a bell?
Edit, ALL of you are pissing me off, or maybe not. I dont know.
I dont actually feel like going for PTC anymore.
Its gonna bore me to sleep.

2006-01-10T21:43:00.000+08:00

Amazing Love

I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do, to honor you

You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King


FINALLY. Thank you Betrand.

2006-01-10T19:38:00.000+08:00

Macbeth is gonna be so hilarious tmr.
Our presentation is not even scary.
But then again, is that bad? I mean people usually remember funny things rather than scary and correct things.

Argh. I am trying to get the nice sounding version of James Blunt's - You're Beautiful.
The one which says "I'm flying high" and not "I'm f****ing high."
Gosh the f-word kills the whole song.

I'm learning to deal without the usual dosage of Lipton Tea every 2 hours.
Ben's assumption was correct after all. Gee, it pains me to admit that.
I am seriously addicted to Lipton Tea. Without it, I feel like shit.

Soon he'll find out I'm not that matured and perfect after all.
When that time comes, I'll be thanking God.
I actually want to be naive and innocent like all the P1 kids.
I really want to relive my childhood.
I actually feel envious everytime one of those little kids who are barely up to my waist runs past me.
They look so truly happy.
Something which I try really very hard to feel.
I quote Ms Ch* : "Nothing comes for free."
Same goes for my case.
So dont even try to counsel me.

I need to do my math now.
Hopefully I can cope with School and Church work.
I know how much he hates losing someone.
Esp. someone like me, or so he says.
Give me a moment to cringe.

Hey now, the Straw Dog's out in the street.

In all I do, I honour you.
Not him.
But God.

PS: Anyone who knows where that phrase came from, please inform me ASAP. I know the song's tune and genre. I just need the TITLE.
Carmen will reward you with a sweet. I can just imagine Mae going " Give me SWEET!" Gosh Mae.

2006-01-09T19:08:00.000+08:00

I feel really REALLY sad that rachelle's leaving soon.
Too soon.
I hope she goes online more often.
By the time she comes back officially, she'll be 19. I'll be 17.
I hope she doesnt forget me.

Dloh is starting to really freak me.
I think I'll start avoiding him from now on.
I really dont know my tables by heart.
I know I'll screw up if he chooses to purposely cross my path and shoot me a question.
I wont run away, cos I know he's damn serious about chasing us. It'll just make me laugh so hard, I cant help but stop running.

Did I mention how much irritation Ms C* is causing me?! I cannot understand her.
Oh joy, I'm gonna be stuck with her for the next 2years. Bloody irritating.
I'd prefer Edna Mode. Gosh.

I feel SO cold, I'm better off curling up in bed than going to school.
I think I'm falling sick.
I need to write those articles soon.
I really need to get it out of my "To Do List" before next week.
Tennis officially starts this thursday. I am anything but looking forward to it.
I need to do the interveiws. Oh hell.
I know I'm still scared of you, but for now, I really dont want to think about it.
I NEED Lipton Tea. The withdrawal effects are quite weird, I dont feel fear when I think about "that", I can hardly think about it. I feel light headed. I need to sleep.

I hope I can go to Cola's house tmr. Lit project awaits.
And yet, my mother is making it really hard for me to go with a whole heart.
Apparently, lunch is more important than grades.
So, Cola, see why I have NO say at all.

I feel a tension headache coming on.
Shit. I didnt bring back my E Math textbook.
Argh.

I <3 SOCO.

2006-01-08T17:46:00.000+08:00

No matter what may come my way
I'm running after you.

I feel the need to study.
Yet here I am trying to push all my personal posts off the blog and into the archive where no one can access.

Guess I've become more paranoid if not VERY.
Not to mention even more defensive towards strangers.
I didnt feel like talking today at the lunch meeting.
Firstly cos I was scared stiff. Okay maybe not, I was freezing.
Secondly cos I felt like I was about to hurl from the amount of fear and uneasiness creeping into my chest with every minute that he was talking. I didnt eat much. I couldnt bear too. My atavistic urges heightened as he started talking to alyssa and I after asking ben to leave.
We didnt actually talk about "random" stuff. Or rather, I can hardly call those random.

I fiddled with my hair, my pendant, my bag everything i could clench onto. He was really REALLY direct. Alright, I would need sometime to get use to that. Which I WILL in time to come. I wanted to request if his expectation of me could just go down by say, 3 notches. I am so afraid I'll screw up now. He thinks my skills are good. Omgosh. He really doesnt know me at all.
I really dont need him getting all pissed and disappointed at me.
Oh please save me.
He asked how I was.
I had this HUGE urge to ask :"why?" ( note the defence mechanisms coming into action)
But instead I just said "ok."
Next my school, family, blahblahblah. He wants longer answers from me.
Well, what can you expect.
As the "meeting" closed, I think I got a bit better. Lipton tea must have had finally taken effect on me. He is strange, but I will get used to it. I have to. I must.
As photog, I must learn to be brave and do solo work. I must step out of my comfort zone. Thank God I get to train Alyssa.
Please let this year's Communications Ministry work be less difficult than it seems now.

I dont think I'm THAT freaked anymore. For now.

Oh please let him be easy on me.

Blackmore's Bravery. Be there for me.
Ta.

2006-01-08T17:06:00.000+08:00

Lipton Tea, my savior.
Recovered?
I dont know.
All I know is, I wont be having stress and fear induced cramps anymore.
I've stated my point.
I hope. Sort of feel better now.

I'm not sure I can do it.
But I will try if you tone down.

I'm not sure if I can continue.
But I will if you want me to.

All these remind me that the past is real. TOO real. It scares me.

Chem and Bio tmr are gonna be so shoddy.
Dloh is gonna make me his best friend.
Miss T is gonna hate her bio rep.
Oh goody.

I wish I could just focus on flash.
But I know what you expect of me.
I know this will be difficult.
I know.
I dont know how I am to do it.
I seriously have no confidence in working ALONE.
I dont work well alone.
I dont know how you'll react.
I hate it that youre so unpredictable.
~~I hate this.~~
You still think I'm better. Just wait. In time you'll see, I'm not.
So why the hell do you keep insisting.
Please dont expect anything. It stresses me out.
~~I regret.~~

2006-01-07T12:33:00.000+08:00

I have an inner child.
She likes to come out in the day to play all she wants.
At night, she hides in the shadows and grows up.
Just that you dont see it.
And think I'm some adult
Give me adult like questions - I can handle.
But mannerisms?
That I cant. I am 15. Not 25.
I'm sorry. I really can't. I'm not ready.
I can't hide behind any book now and face you tmr.
So forgive my impertinence.
I dont really know how to mask my face tmr.
I dont know what to do.
I dont know what to study up on this.
I dont know where I should put my face.
I dont know when my confidence will be restored.
Forgive me.

~~I am scared of how I'll react. I am scared of you.~~

Self control, embrace me now.
Self confidence overwhelm me with your power.
Self doubt I demand that you remove yourself from me.

I really need to stop thinking.
Someone pass me the vodka, wine, brandy.
Anything.
I need to numb my brain.
I need to soothe that violently rhythmic beats.
I need to chill.
I wish I could talk to her. But obviously I wont.
Decency, I wish you'd notice me. I wished I could talk to you. You seem normal.
Thats what I need, I need normality back.

I wishwishwishwish that.

ARGH.

PS: If youre reading this please dont ask me about it. I dont want to talk about it anymore. Oh yes, please sont ass-u-me (assume).

Disclaimer: Whatever you choose read in this blog is purely your choice. If I have offended you in anyway, its not my problem. I take no responibility for what you may feel afterwards. You had a choice. This post or any other posts for that matter, is all MY opinion. Since you have willingly CHOSEN to read it. Please dont complain/insult or whatever.

Now, have I made it bloody clear?

2006-01-07T11:17:00.000+08:00

Tuition.

It never really ends.

Give me liquid confidence.
Make me high.
PLEASE.

2006-01-06T17:05:00.000+08:00

Ive made a grave mistake.

Im not exactly in the best mood today.

Mae, Janelle and Cola should know why.

Though I doubt they would read this.
But I thank them for listening to me rant this morning at 7.
They really make super 3 year best-ies. Well Cola's an execption. 2 years.
But I love her just the same.

Its not that I'm still in shock. Neither is it cos Ive finally recieved my cue to be ballistic.

Actually, I dont know anymore. I really dont know.

Maybe when the room is empty,
Maybe when the bottle's full,
Maybe when the door gets broke down, love can break in.

Something Coporate - Punk Rock Princess

House meeting was really boring today. Thats a first.
"Blackmore's gonna win
So throw the rest into the bin
We're the coolest house so rock'em
Out!
rock'em
Out!"

Geez.
I'm getting addicted to something coporate again. They never cease to cheer me up.
Fanfics too. But now it seems there isnt any super harry potter fics. Nor are there many Dru/Spike fics or House MD fics.

I've decided to keep my blog. But I'll be blogging irregularly and no more personal stuff.
I've bloody well learnt my lesson. I've lost total confidence in my password protection thing. It has been deemed useless to me since last night.

If youre reading this now, You know what, I cant be bothered anymore. Its natural for you to come back. Can't blame curiousity. Curiousity killed the cat but then again, youre not a cat.

I should learn to be more like mae, but then again, maybe not. HAH.

Miss M Tan is just so NICE. You cant have a friendlier form teacher. New houses Tees designed by Mrs Tan. I'm actually quite excited to see it.
Poh is the cheerleading i/c?!!!! Wth.

I did pray about it. That God will make it go away. But apparently its not working. Esp with Alyssa's ever so persuasive egging. I fear the worst. But then again, live life to the fullest. Its not everyday something like "this" happens. I cant deny that Im totally freaked out. But I will try my best to find a solution and approach this problem like a lit. girl would. I will study it. Observe and Apply. Analyse and Solve. Besides its already in the process of ebbing away. I figured, I will learn to handle situations like such. It will be awkward. But I dont need your comfort, I need a solution.

I need to talk. I feel like Cola - everytime she has a stress breakdown during maths. Sorry Cola, I had to use your sad example to be my analogy.
Stress.Fear.Anxiety.Thrill.Understanding.Exhaustion.Dread.
My phsycologist will be so proud.
I'm beginning to dislike the long school hours. Even though we have longer recesses now.
I want to sleep. I cant believe I'm already on the road towards O levels. Sometimes it scares me.
I'm 15.
Wowza.

YAY. I got a sticker from Dloh. I'm sooo happy. I love chemistry! NOT.

2005-12-29T10:21:00.000+08:00

Its been 2 years since I started this blog.

2 years filled with bliss and sorrows.

2 years of unrequited love.

2 years of friendly happiness.

And now, it must end.

I might come back.

Even then, it'll never be the same.

I can't seem to blog with the same innocence and freedom ever since ~~you~~ came into my life.

I dont wish to.

I've had enough.

I've played the game. I've finished it. The year has ended.

I want to start 2006 anew. A blank sheet. All records cleaned dry.

So love me when I'm gone.

A new life awaits.

2005-12-25T15:26:00.000+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2005-12-21T13:36:00.000+08:00

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

As I walked into the ACS Barker concert hall. One thing flashing through my head.

" Omgosh. He's here. He's here. He's here. RUN AWAY."

I didnt expect you to affect me so strongly after tofu day.

I felt scared and excited altogether.

Courtesy to Alyssa who filled me in on all the different outcomes if this continues.

I couldnt stop trembling as I walked into the hall. Rushed through buying the extra tickets and dragged my social butterfly parents into the hall. Was somewhat comforted with the unexpected turn up of some YM friends, Ryan, Ralph, Jacko,Elaine,Charlotte,Shane,Ben, his cousin, Samuel, Amy and Ber. Sat near all of them. Prayed and hoped that he would not sit near me.

Then I saw Proverbs 3:5 engraved on the wall. I stared at it. I felt really comforted at that point. Suddenly, I didnt care whether he sat near me or flirted with me or whatsoever. I felt at peace and confident. I could think straight again. I decided not to socialise, glance or make any intentional gesture to acknowledge his presence.

Spotted Clarice during the much needed intermission. We fooled around a bit. Ok maybe quite alot. He saw me. I wanted to walk away so badly. But instead, I stopped my atavistic urges and purposely walked around him and sashayed near the stairs. Kinda felt uncomfortable in my crossback and skirt. Skirt was too long for my liking and crossback was to tight for decency sake.

So much for formal wear. But then again, everyone else was dressed way fancier than me. Esp, *cough* Bethel *cough*. Think I got his attention. then I just stalked back into the hall with Clarice. Alyssa you should have been there. Ben was actually coherent there. Sat next to him and his cousin who we all thought was his girlfriend. Gee, we are so shallow.

Surprisingly, I enjoyed this concert. Clean was soo goood. The youngest soloist. Geez. Should have stayed in the choir.

God let us be a generation that seeks your faith.

S-H-AUN Shaun loves his ANNA!

:P Take that Shaun. Poor Clean.

2005-12-20T05:08:00.000+08:00

TOFU 2005

Well, I must say, it went really well. Besides the minor bumps along the way. I had fun. Loads of it. Woke up at 6am in the sodding morning and made my way to church to prepare the registration booths and check up on the game structures. The leaders started coming in at 7.30am. Registered and entered the briefing area with marcus. Andrewc came. I looked, nothing more. The new sec 1's followed through quite easily. There were some latecomers but all fitted in nicely. Icebreakers started. Being station master has its advantages. I was free to do what I wanted. I didnt play with my group, I had the liberty of looking and inspecting them during the games. That felt damn good. Then came the station games. Namely, it was time for me to face my station - Fear Factor with Fruits. Fear was definately a factor. I realised that I didnt know how to slice/chop up majority of the fruits layed out for me. I didnt know how to manage Ryan's scary blender. My first group was to my utmost horror, Andrewc's group. Shit. Now he will know, not only am I weird, I suck at home econs. My attempt to scrape out the lemon was just pitiful. He had to cut open the waterlemon for me. Another station master perk. I got to improvise and twist the game a bit. In the end, everything settled and I was about to open the blender to pour out the disgusting tofu based drink when everything just exploded on to my hand and his. I quote his words, " It looks like a volcano." But surprisingly, he helped out alot. His whole group did. Omgosh. It was such a BIG relief when he said it was okay and that all I had to do was to award them more points. Which I did. 5000points. I even awarded them the title of "Most cooperative group cleanup after a traumatic mess". It was the most I could do. I think Shane has made it quite clear to everyone that I'm some bias little twit. But well, maybe I was. Andrewg was really not what I expected. I am simply disgusted, disappointed and pissed with his outlook on life and his bloody pathetic" " please help me Im drowning in the sea of depression" attitude. Its just a real poseur turn off. I take back what I said about him. We do not clique at all. He assumes too much. I injured my foot. What luck.
Post TOFU

My mother is really biting at my studies.
I need to get back on the game.
No more play.
No more indulgence in being love drunk.
Enough.
Besides, just think how hard Andrewc studies.
I should be that way too. I should work as hard as him.
I would work my way up to being a SL.
To get a step closer.
Only then will I be satisfied.
Andrewg scares me. I will try my best not to look down on him.
He really needs a friend.

2005-12-12T10:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel that , perhaps, the only reason I got over him so easily was because, I fell for another one. But I must reassure myself that no, it was God who did it. It was God who set me free from that emotional prison and embraced me with His love, forgiveness and support. Thus, I dont feel as negative and depressed as before.

I love my mentor. She really taught me ALOT and prayed for my weaknesses.

I miss LTC camp.

I may have somewhat reluctantly given up on andrewc but I still feel that sharp twinge of self denial. I want to take those steps. Even if they meant baby steps. But I know eventually I wont be able to reach the top step. Someone has already taken it. Another door has closed. I must look on. Its the four words again, theyre whispering in my head.

You must move on.

I just realised that being in the TOFU coordination com. is really a nightmare as TOFU nears.
I have 6days to settle loads of administration stuff.

I cant wait fo TOFU.

2005-12-11T01:22:00.000+08:00

Church LTC MAD camp was really fruitful.

The holy spirit touched my heart, I couldnt stop crying.

I love you Lord.

Andrew is coming back on Monday. Oh God.

AndrewC has a girlfriend. Geez. I knew it.

2005-12-07T08:32:00.000+08:00

Just so you know, I meant every word I said.

Sometimes, living just isnt enough anymore.

No regrets?

I thought so.

2005-12-06T11:28:00.000+08:00

Now it is time for me to blog about my most recent thought. To get it over with.

And the time came when I loved again
With a passion and devotion
I had never felt before,
Only to be led to the revelation
That he belonged to someone else.
And there was a shuddering cry,
A cry of pain and loss,
Whirling in the wind screaming
Until it was gone.

"Come back," they said.
"You are still in your youth
And age has not touched your face."
"Never," I replied.
"I'm not coming back to this Drowned World.
I'm not going back to that place again
Where all is lost and love is gone.
I'd rather die."
And then I tried to erase all human emotions.
Let me feel nothing,
Let me be as frosty as ice
And at the same time, as ardent as fire.

An overwhelming sadness fills me
As the memory of my lost love
Comes back to haunt me
Time after time.
The pain is deeply engraved my memory.

Time passes by and I go on with my life,
Carrying inside me the pain and memories.
I long to be free, I would like to believe
That my knight in shining armor
Will come and rescue me
From this Drowned World.
But Prince Charming will never come
And Sleeping Beauty's probably dead by now.

"Why do I miss something I may never
Have had in the first place?"
We are doomed by our own desires

Love leads to weakness
And weakness leads to destruction.
This is what he taught me.
This is what he proved to me.
This is how he made me feel
That I'd wasted my precious time
Chasing a love that I could never find.

Then, I saw him walk before me.
He was my best friend.
And I told him of my lost love,
Of the intense pain I still felt
Deep within me.
I reached out to him:
"Please help me - I'm dying inside."

It was only then that I realized
How different we were.

"But I never loved him," I replied.
"Ah," they said, "but there's hope yet."
Isn't hope all we have in the end?
But in this Drowned World,
What is hope but optimistic despair?

This is how it must end. It must be made clear. I must get over them. I must confront them. I must walk away. For now, this is how it should be.

2005-12-03T10:26:00.000+08:00

Beware of the anger and sorrow of a young woman,
A secret love burns throughout eternity
And the lovely earth hides the body.
I wanted to spend forever with you,
Now, a thousand years later,
I wander on the shore whispering
To myself over and over,
You don't know what you asked for,
You don't know what you asked for,
You don't know what you asked for.
From your earthen grave you rise when night falls,
I hear you knock on the door, I hear you call,
You don't know what you asked for,
You don't know what you asked for,
You don't know what you asked for.
I remember now I loved you.
Didn't I love you?
I must have.
Then how could I have killed you?
Now the ghosts from the past
And dark shadows keep washing over me,
Remaining with me for eternity.
Lie with me under the moonlit sky,
Let me live for once in my life.
Everyone in love knows why
The death of their love haunts them all the time.
I buried the body, but not the pain
And I hear you whisper again and again,
You don't know what you asked for,
You don't know what you asked for,
You don't know what you asked for."
At night, you haunt me in my dreams,
Forcing me to remember
How I lulled you to sleep
An eternal slumber.
I can still smell the stench of the blood
And helplessly, I start to cry again.
I need to go back,
I need to go back to the place
Where it happened.
Do I know where I'm going?
I think I lost my way.
Then I hear you whispering over and over again,
You know damn well where you're going,
You know damn well where you're going,
You know damn well where you're going."
Yes, my love, you are right.
I know damn well where I'm going.
I know damn well where I'm going.
I know damn well where I'm going.

Melinda Whiteface from "Requiem"
The Book Of Counted Sorrows (1921)

2005-12-02T10:05:00.000+08:00

King of endless worth.

I pierced my ears and layered my hair today. But I must say, I do look a little different now. Im still rather disturbed by the docter's cosmetic sense. Re-piercing my ears wasnt as painful as I thought it would be. I didnt even flinch. Though I had this huge urge to utter "ohmygod" when the gun went off. I mean, I have to admit, I was nervous.

I've finally came up with the speech Im gonna give at the TOFU publicity talk this coming sunday. Not that spectacular, but it'll do. I can totally imagine all those sexist P6's bonding with each other in TOFU 2005. Hopefully, we wont be hearing" the boys are soo irritating""girls are so stupid" and all that rubbish come next year. I quote Marcus : "Just wait till their hormones kick in, then they'll..." He goes on blabbing about all the lovey dovey things. It reminds me of the once upon a time where, I never ever gave a rat's arse about boys. All I cared for was friends, play and studies. Now, well, Im not so sure of that anymore. Sod that.

Tuition officially starts tomorrow. I really dont know what I'm going to do during chinese tuition tomorrow, since I havent bought any of my books. We're probably gonna start with reading newspapers again. I kinda miss lao shi's storytelling about her children.

I cant believe I actually had respect for ~~Getasha~~. Not until today, I thought Alvin and her were both still sore from their breakup. Or so it seems. I found out that ~~Getasha~~ here, already found a spanking new boyfriend in Perth and claims she loves him. Geez, talk about long term relationships. Alvin here, is still rather upset even though he doesnt show it. I know he is. This has totally changed my veiw of her. She is a heartless bitch. Apparently, she never took this relationship seriously and Alvin was the only one perservering. I mean he's sodding 28. Age is but a number. But he literally wasted his whole partial adult life to her. I bet if he knew what I know about getasha, I dont think he;ll be able to take it. I really pity him. As a friend and as his once upon a long time, favourite niece. I pity him.

Rachelle is leaving soon. I miss her already. Once again, Im losing another good friend and relative to Australia. Whats with migration and Australia? Gosh. I cant deny the fact that I'll be really really sad when she leaves. Because I will. I hate her father. Theres no denying in that.

My sister's sick. Sod it.

No matter how hard I try, its still there. I dont know how to forget it, forget you.

When the music fades and all is stripped away and I simply come.

2005-11-29T20:29:00.000+08:00

Just Like Heaven. Its a nice show. But too bad its ending was too super cliche. Cliche endings are always a turn off. During the show, I thought the concept was rather good. Reese Witherspoon was really meant for that role. Talk about fate. There was this particular part where, Elizabeth woke up from her coma and had her "spiritual journey" memory completely erased. Mark Rufflo aka David was totally heartbroken. The only high period of her life where she felt love. Completely gone. It seriously got me really irritated. Another turn off. Not to mention cliche.

It got me thinking, how wonderful it'll be for me to wake up and completely forget all those things and look him straight in the face and say " Who are you?". I feel so stupid. Like ever since I sprained my ankle. I let all these crazy things take over me and reduced myself to a pathetic depressed girl. I reflected on the past few months that have gone by, it seems that before I got reduced to a coward, I could bravely look him in the face and retort and perform with the confidence and earn his praise. Now I can hardly face him and play with the same confidence as before. But with God's strength, I know I will gain back that confidence. Its just a matter of time.

I never actually realise how much this meant to me until now. Its like, without it in my life, life wont be whole. Yes, it's still there. It always will but I guess, Im rather used to it now. Used to hiding it. Used to its affectionate torture. Used to its tricks.

Im finally gonna buy my own supply of Lipton Tea. Yeah. I can hardly wait to taste it again. To taste the intoxicating caffine is really worth $3.50. Or I think thats the price. I bought a lace black skirt and a blue crossback thing thing at Fox-women and a yellow shirt from Esprit. I told my mum that if JTay were to be our Bio teacher next year, Mae and I would be the first two who would be laughing our heads off.

Vanessa just notified me of our 2S reunion party at Sentosa on the 16th of December. I'll probably be going. Tomorrow, Cola and I would be going to watch Zathura. Not sure if Mae can make it. Thusday is the day I re-pierce my ears and do my hair a good favour. Friday is the official day my tuitions restart. Ode to the joy of living. My mum just told me something really interesting about Andrew. It makes him sound more mysterious. Which is a bonus on my list. Geez, I am so love drunk. Not to worry, this is the side of me you'll only see in the year end holidays. Indulge while you can. Come next year, there'll be no more of this nonsense.

Play time is over bad boy.

God we adore you.